How Soon Do You Say, “I Love You” In a New Relationship?

Going from infatuation to love is a long journey. Or is it? How soon do you know you're in love?


Those three little words.

How long does it take to feel the feels? Of course, the feelings come much sooner than your ability to articulate them. And there’s the risk, right

? Does saying it too soon cheapen the meaning? How do you KNOW when you’re actually “in love,” rather than just “falling in love?”

I am having a new experience of this concept as I engage in the intellectual foreplay that is “falling in” and “getting into” love.

What is the big dream your partner holds dear? Do you know? Are their ambitions related or opposed to your own?

Do I love this woman who I’ve known for 2 months and dating for 5 weeks? Is that even possible to know? Did I jump the gun in telling her too soon? What are the indicators of LOVE for a new relationship?

  • Mutual Intention Towards LTR
  • Sexual Chemistry
  • A Miss and a Recovery from a Few Issues
  • Daily Grind/Happiness
  • Where Are We Going As Individuals
  • Hooking Our Trains Together

Let’s take these one at a time, and explore what parts of my current relationship said YES.

Mutual Intention Towards LTR

What are your goals in dating again? For me, I wasn’t interested in “dating.” I didn’t want to play the field, sow my oats, fk around. That had little or no appeal to me. I am/was looking for a one man woman, who could be my one woman for the next 50 years. That’s my intention. Who knows how things work out? We can’t predict the future. But we can set our intentions on the long-term aspects of a relationship. If this woman was unsure of her goals, unsure of what she wanted, I’d be a bit more cautious. She was clear and able to articulate her hopes and dreams. We are in alignment.

Sexual Chemistry

Oh… There’s not a lot I can share here on this family channel. I can say one thing that’s a bit mind-blowing for me, without being too explicit. She is the most joyous and open partner I’ve ever had. Ever. 55 years in, and I think I’ve found my sexual match. We are in alignment.

At this point in my life, 8 years divorced with two teenage kids, I have a lot of life ahead of me. As I see this woman standing beside me, I see a partner who can join with me in my dreams.

A Miss and a Recovery from a Few Issues

There’s got to be a few disturbances of the force before you can understand a bit more of the emotional maturity of your potential partner. If you’re still in the “its all rainbows and unicorns” phase it’s too soon for you to make any long-term decisions about your relationship. That’s okay. Slow down. There is no hurry. This is a marathon, not a sprint. As the glow of the new-sex, new-coupling, new being-around-someone, begins to wear off, you can better assess the everyday-living temperament of your new potential mate. And make sure you get a few breaks in the hyper-connection between the two of you. How does the other person react? Do they get scared, shamed, run off into a corner? Are they able to stand-in and own up to the mistakes, the apologies, and the repair? We are in alignment.

Daily Grind/Happiness

Ah yes, the mundane. Life is full of chores. Our jobs can contribute to our life satisfaction or make our daily grind more painful. Is your partner happy in their chosen career? What would it take for them to transition into something that made them more relaxed in life, more fulfilled, and less pulled into drama and crisis by work BS? Does your partner-to-be wake up in the morning with a smile or a snarl? How well do you deal with unexpected changes in plans? Can you recalculate weekend plans easily with this person? Do they share in the housework at your place or only at their place? Is there a join in all activities of the daily couple: eating, cleaning, parenting? How are you doing at the mundane? We are in alignment.

Where Are We Going As Individuals

And what is the big dream your partner holds dear? Do you know? Are their ambitions related or opposed to your own? Where I am going as an individual is more towards this single-parenting, relationship, work. I am transitioning away from being a digital marketer. It’s a scary moment. And the next few years will illuminate my options more clearly. Today, I’m a man in transition. That could be a red flag for my girlfriend, or it could be an opportunity for her to see me in a vulnerable place in my life/career. She likes my plans, my ideas, and my imagined future. I like what she does for a living too. And she appears to love her career path. Now we just have to continue to move these, adjust these activities and locations, towards one another. We are in alignment.

Hooking Our Trains Together

Where are you going overall? Are there obstacles ahead for you as a couple? What parts of your journey are independent of a partner? And how does your partnership grow and thrive as part of a combined journey? It’s important that you understand, you are not enmeshing your lives and dreams at this point. You are merely making decisions based on your mutually expressed objectives and dreams for the coming years. The coming years together. If you both join in the other’s dream easily, you might benefit from the mutual momentum and energy that comes from building a relationship/life together. We are in alignment.

Are You In Alignment

At this point in my life, 8 years divorced with two teenage kids, I have a lot of life ahead of me. As I see this woman standing beside me, I see a partner who can join with me in my dreams, who can challenge me in my beliefs and fallacies, and who is solid enough in her own life path that she shares joy and confidence in our potential lives together. You need two people who are making efforts to join, seek out, and celebrate each other. We are in alignment.

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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